you know what my problem is? I have no drive to improve myself.
A normal person, I suspect, notices they aren't doing well at a thing. They're failing expectations. So they strive to do better. They determine to improve, or to try something they're better at.
I don't ever feel determined to improve. I feel like nothing I ever do could possibly make things better. So instead of bucking up and trying harder, I just want to die.
That's the best solution I can come up with.
The best advice I have for myself is, "You're failing because you're horrible, and worthless, and any time you think you're good at something you're only going to find out everyone else thinks you suck," and the best response I have is, "I should hurt myself. I should die."
Is that normal?
It doesn't feel normal.
Went to a psychiatrist the other day, btw, about my suspected ADD that makes it impossible for me to write my own stories, do blogging for work, or even sit through movies that I like. I was terrified that they'd send me away because I don't have any "real problems." I cried alot when I made the appointment, because I was afraid they'll call me a faker.
Well, he basically did.
I talked to the psychiatrist for less than an hour, and told him how I can't focus. It always feels like I've just barely forgotten something. He also asked me about some other stuff, like if I ever think about hurting myself. I told him I did, and he didn't ask for any elaboration.
Then he said I don't have ADD because I am able to focus on some things, like things I find interesting. He thinks I have "claustrophobia" where I try to mentally escape in situations where I feel trapped, by doodling or daydreaming or checking Facebook. He said ADD gets over-diagnosed.
My boyfriend, who was diagnosed with ADD, thinks the doctor is full of shit and was being contrarian because he thinks ADD gets over-diagnosed.
I don't know. Could be either, I guess. I sure would've liked those focus-drugs, though.
Anyway, I've been extra depressed since then and my work has dropped even further.
Well... "depressed." I don't think I have depression any more than I have ADD, though I sometimes wonder if frequently wanting to kill yourself counts as "depression." I feel like there are other symptoms than that. I think I just decided my own death is a logical and acceptable solution.
After all, everyone dies. Then you go back to being part of the universe. That's nice.
So yeah, I cried alot, because apparently I don't have a neurological condition that makes me unable to focus... just a psychological one. He recommended talk therapy, which I think is bullshit. Various sources will tell you it doesn't work... though others say it does. I don't see as how talking about it is going to really help me. Feels like a scam, TBH.
Anyway, since learning I don't get to just take magical drugs to make me improve at work, I'm back to feeling like the world's biggest piece of shit. I'm just lazy, really. I'm just distractable, and forgetful, and probably just not trying hard enough.
I guess I don't really want to die, but I just don't see any hope of improving. I've never had a job I'm good at, ever. This one pays almost twice what I've ever been paid before, and I'm going to get fired from it, and I'll never have a job this good ever again.
The fuck am I gonna do?
And again, my only answer: lay in a hole and die. Just... die. Please.